How About an Instant Face Lift?

When a woman is in her twenties and thirties, she considers the idea of a face lift laughable. In her forties, she is only able to summon up the kind of chuckle that emanates after hearing a punch line she doesn’t quite “get.” When she hits the “Big 5 – 0,” she begins to re-evaluate the face-lift idea. When she turns 55, she’s started reading those ads that come in the local throw sheet for plastic surgeons doing discount face lifts. How expensive could a little nip and tuck be? Or what about the “lifestyle” face lift, you know, the face lift that promises an ultra-quick recovery time – say, two hours or two days or two minutes? Whatever.

For awhile, she applies a little reason to the idea of losing 20 years off her face. And while she’s considering having the face lift procedure, what about a little eyelid work and some liposuction?

Continuing down this path, she wonders if the doctor does package-deal face lift procedures, like a face lift with a neck lift, eyelid lift, tummy tuck, liposuction and a shot or two of collagen in the lips? If she has to undergo general anesthesia for a face lift, why not nip, tuck, suck the fat out of, shoot, stretch and plump the rest of her?

One day while our aging friend is surfing the web for face lifts, she stumbles upon something called “Instant Face Lift.” Ever hopeful, she clicks on the site and begins reading about the do-it-yourself-one-day face lift that she can perform at home. Hope is enervated as she begins to read further. Then she watches a one-minute video.

First on the instant face lift video is a 50-something-year-old woman. As the drums beat out a syncopated beat to slow techno music playing in the background, a young woman does a sales pitch for the instant face lift as an older woman demonstrates how to use it. The product is basically four paper-backed, round sticky tapes. The “stem” coming out of the tapes has two holes punched in it, one above the other. One of the tapes is stuck next to each ear just above the earlobe, on the part of the cheek abutting the ear. Then a piece of elastic is put through one of the holes in the each sticky tape. The elastic on one side has a hook on it, and the elastic on the other side has notches. All you do is pull on the pieces of elastic until the hook meets the notches. Depending on how much of a face lift you want, you place the hook next to one of the notches. And voila! An instant face lift!

The stems on the other two pieces of sticky tape are cut off after the first hole. Then each end of a shorter, piece of elastic is hooked through a sticky tape at each end. These are then stuck, first on side of the neck and then on the other side of the neck, in essence, pulling taught the loose skin under the neck.

“Without the pain and expense” (their video promises) of a traditional face lift, you get a face lift that lasts for as long as the sticky tapes are adhered to your skin and the elastic is pulling the face and neck taut. This seemed just too good to be true.

So, I decided to try the instant face lift to see if it actually worked. It took a few minutes to get used to the tapes and the sensation of having my face pulled back to look as taut as one of the “Real Housewives’,” but once I got used to it, I hardly felt any tug at all. When I would pass the mirror, I’d do a double-take at seeing a 35 year old peering back at me, instead of a 59-year-old.

My husband says that he can’t tell the difference from when I wear the sticky tapes from when I don’t. But husbands are trained to always say whatever will keep their fat out of the fire and keep the wife happy. I can tell the difference, though, and it’s fun to wear my instant face lift for special occasions. Besides, it’s completely noninvasive and a whole lot cheaper than going under the knife.

The instant facelift is worth its price of around $20 and is great to wear when you are sick of looking your age and want a little ego boost. You might want to try one of the instant face lifts (there are two of them) and see who notices. Besides, no one will know your secret -- but you.